Orchestra jokes

Q: What is the definition of a Soviet String Quartet?
A: A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA!

Q: What do you do with percussionists that lose one of their drumsticks?
A: Stick them up front of the group and tell them to wave their arms!

Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. [Indignant nose upturning] Of course, I wouldn't expect you to understand.

Q: Why are conductors' hearts popular for transplants?
A: They've had little use.

While at a concert being performed by a very bad orchestra, George Bernard Shaw was asked what he'd like them to play next. "Dominoes," he replied.